Ramblings

At the time I thought it was the worst day of my life.  I opened the mailbox to find a legal envolope from a lawyer,  I knew this day was coming, but was shocked.  I could not open the envelope I threw it on the coffee table, and there it sat for a day, a night, another day.  Finally Friday night arrived and I sat down in my easy chair and looked at the envolope some more.   Ironic the lawyer's name was the same as my wifes:  Mary Ellen something. 
     I tore open the envelope and read the cover letter:  From offices of blah blah blah,  we know how hard this is blah blah blah,,,,,,,,,,,As you know our client has filed blah blah  blah, please sign the enclosed papers so this matter can be taken care of and you both can get on with your lives,,, blah blah blah...................
Then there was a legal document with little stick on arrows showing me were to sign.  "My Divorce papers had arrived.  My first insticnt was to just not sign the papers, I didn't file for a divorce, I did not want a divorce.  I would just ignore these papers and continue being married.  But as the weekend wore on, I realized, I had no marriage , my wife had filled for divorce and had made it clear she could no longer stay married to me. 
So, by Monday I had signed these papers, and dropped them in the mail, before going to work. 
     So, that's it, right?  Papers signed, process in motion, wait untill the divorce becoms final and move on?  NO, that is not it.  You see, I still love my now ex-wife, and I believe she loves me.  But there was a "trust issue".  You see, I had lied to her many times in our 24 years of marriage, I had used her, emotionally, I had turned the trust she had in me  as her husband to my advantage and taken what I wanted.  I will not go into any detail, but for  the last 24 years, I had loved myself, more then my wife and kids. 
She had had enough, and could no longer be my wife.     
     This all happened about 7 years ago, and it still haunts me today.  Why, who do I blame, is it all my fault, what if I had done so and so , or not done so and so.  WHY?  Answers don't come easy, but when I am honest with myself, it is easy, I was selfish.   I wanted what I wanted, more then I wanted what she wanted.   I loved "ME" more the anyone, including my God. 
     I felt this was the lowest my life could go for about 4 years, untill my Mom was diagnosed with Cancer. 
For the next 2 years, my Mom slowly died in front of my eyes.  There had been words from the Lord through people, realiltives, that she would be healed,  We all stood on those words, and believed.  This distracted us from believing the truth that was staring us right in the face, Mom was dying.  It was hard to accept, we did not make any arrangments until the final days.  The weekend before she died, my ex wife came by for a visit with my daughter.  She saw what we did not, that the house was a mess, Mom, needed constant care, and we were all uncapable to do anything because we were in shock, morning and refusing to see what was coming. 
So, Mary, took a few days off from work, stayed with my Mom and Dad, waited on them hand and foot, cleaned up the place, and about 1 AM on Monday the 10th of April 2010 my ex wife Mary, was the one who had to call me at home sound asleep, and tell me my Mother had died.  She also had to wake up my Dad and tell him the same thing. 
So, that day I received the letter in the mail almost 6 years ago, now, wasent the worst day of my life anymore, this was it. 
Why am I telling you all this?  I don't really know, I just feel that there is someone out there that needs to hear it.   You see, when I look back over my life I see 2 days that stand out in my mind , as the worst two days of my life.  The loss of my marriage, and the loss of my Mom. 
The first loss, was avoidable on my part, I made wrong choices, I made mistakes I wish I never had made, regrets, oh the regrets.  The second loss, My Mom, was not my doing.  She died of a awful disease that takes many many people in this world.  If I could have done anything to keep her here, I would have, but there was nothing I could have done.  I know she is in Heavan with Jesus, I know that more then anything else,  but I don't think she would come back, given the chance. 
I am pretty sure my ex-Wife , Mary, still cares about me and my family, just look at the things she did for my Mom, before her death.  I have so many regrets.
Let's get to the point, shall we?  REGRETS, what do they accomplish?  Nothing but making us sad, depressed, lonely, down, ...............................

God has recently showed me that "living with regrets all our life, is living to die. 
How do we stop these regrets, I don't think we actually do, but we do learn from them. 
If the Lord sends someone my way, and we fall in love, and get married, I will never take them for granted, I will try my best to meet her needs more then my own.  I will try Not to be so selfish, or sink back into my "same ole ways"    This is what I have learned from this.  I have trouble even thinking , sometimes of getting into a relationship with anyone else, but I am lonely.  I have prayed for God's direction in this matter, and try and trust Him.

Do you have regrets?  Are they holding you back from serving, worshipping God?  Do you feel "Unworthy" God, how can I praise and worship you, when I have done this and this...................What part of "the East to the West", do you not understand?  God promises to have thrown our sins (this includes those "Regrets") as far as the east is from the west.   You know how far that is?  Forever, the east will never met the west.
But we still remember "Those things I did"  Well God dosen't He has thrown them into the "Sea of Forgetfullness"  You see, He is God, He can remember everything from anytime ever, but He chooses to forget those things we have asked Him to.  Did you get that, selective memory, He chooses to forget our repentent sins. 
So, if you, like me, are having trouble with past choices, sins, deeds, and aren't worshiping, listening to God like you know you need to, then ask God for forgiveness of those things that you regret doing, and Move on.  If God forgets them, surely you can.