Now you Know.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.

~ 1 Corinthians 13:4, NLT

OK, I am one day late with this kinda Valentines Day sorta thing. Sorry.

This is going to be a hard one for me. The Lord has laid this on my heart, and I must be very transparent here. I don't want to be, in my flesh, but I must be obedient.

I hate Valentines Day. Why? Because I have been divorced for about 5 years, and still have feelings for my ex-wife. Without a doubt, I realize we would still be together IF I had not done some of the things I did. So actually I don't hate this day, I just hate the fact that because of me, I don't have anyone to celebrate it with.

OK here comes some of the hard parts for me. Mary and I married in September of 1980 in Oklahoma City. I was in the Navy stationed aboard an Aircraft Carrier home based out of San Diego. I loved my new wife, very much. It was hard leaving her for our times at sea. The upcoming 6 month or so "Western Pacific" (WestPac) cruise was approaching, it seemed very fast. I, in my stupid selfish nature, decided that I did not want to go and leave my wife without Me, for the next 6 or so months. So I made up a story. I decided that Mary and I would move back to Oklahoma/Texas, that I would be discharged. So, I told my new wife, a great story about how I was being discharged from the Navy, and we could move back "home". She had no reason NOT to believe me, she was my new bride,and loved me why would I lie to her? (Step one: Did I really Love her? Was I lying to everyone, just because I did not want HER to be without me? The Selfishness,looking back, SUCH selfishness!!) We moved back and stayed with my folks in Silsbee Texas where my Dad was Pastor at the time. It took awhile, but the Navy sent a letter to my folks, telling them I was missing and wanted to know if I had been in contact with them.

I flew back to my ship, now in Subic Bay Naval Base in the Philippines. I was disciplined, busted in rank and spent the next 5 months or so on the ship. (Step 2, I now had put a nail in my marriage, a nail of mistrust.) I did this same type thing, basically a year or so later, and was sent to "Captains Mast" busted again and punished again. (Step 3: One more nail, less trust, more selfishness>} During the "Mast" I lied to the Captain and told him the reason I went AWOL was because my wife had just had her second miscarriage in a year, and I just "freaked". I thought this would give me a little pity. Over the next few years, Mary, my wife had 2 miscarriages. God was punishing me and my wife from MY own words. words of lies. (I have NEVER told anyone this, until right now).

Then the day finally came and I really did get out of the Navy. I had the real paperwork and everything. We eventually moved back to Texas and stayed with my folks for a bit. Austin, this time. We got jobs, settled in and had kids. Over the next 15 years or so, I went from job to job. I would always have a great excuse for why I was "let go", but the truth was I got tired of these jobs, and just quit. I could always lay around at home and watch TV, it would be OK,Mary had a decent job. (Steps 4,5,6,7,8,9,19.....Less and less trust, How could Mary believe a word I said?)

Over the next few years, I started stealing computer equipment from my employers, including my church, where I was employed as a maintenance worker at the time. This is the same church I still attend, that is how loving they are. I feel no judgment, or anger from anyone who knows about this. Not everyone knows, but the leaders,(Pastors, Deacons.....and a few people that were close to Mary and I). I brought back everything when this was found out and paid payment to the church for the pieces I had discarded or the ones that were out of date. My Pastor, Vic Schober, asked me to name a price I thought I should pay, what was the worth of the stuff? I always loved him for this, he showed me such love, he let me decide what was fair. I estimated $ 1,000, and paid this over the next few months.

OK I have gotten ahead of myself. About a year before all this came to light, I had stolen the stuff from the church, but had not been caught yet. I found another job, through a friend of mine from years earlier. I got hired as a large Plumbing/Air Conditioner company in Round Rock, a suburb of Austin. (Yes, Dell IS located there). I was in charge of the "Tool Room" and had a company credit card with a budget of 1% of the total income of the company, which was quite a lot. Now, knowing my background you can more then likely tell where I am going. Yes I stole from this company, stole computer equipment, stole via the credit card, stole basically anything I wanted. I got caught, because they put up a camera and saw me. I was sent to jail for about a week, my folks bailed me out, paid for a very good lawyer, and I ended up with 6 months in jail. After I was caught at the plumbing company, the church's missing computers case was pretty easy to solve.

Jail was no fun, But there was one thing I learned while there. Jesus forgives, and loves me. They had a great Chaplain, great services, great christian classes, and I devoured the word of God, I mean what else did I have to do, nothing but time. My wife, who was almost ready to divorce me saw a change in my letters to her, and in me. She took me back, picking me up when I got out of Prison. Once again life was good. I had committed myself to live for the Lord and never get in trouble again. I wish I did not have to put a BUT here, BUT it didn't last long, maybe a year. I'll save you the details, but I began wanting those things again. I began using the excuse that I was missing out by not having everything I wanted. I played Mary like an instrument and told her we needed to pay our tithes regularly, which we had not done in years. She, thinking I had changed agreed, but I must have thought she was stupid, why would she believe me? I would make a big deal out of making sure she saw me put the money in a tithe envelope, but then I would put a empty envelope in the offering plate. I then told her that I had found a part time job working for the local cable company making good money, and I would use the tithe money to buy what I wanted.(Trust? What trust?) Mary, by now could not trust me one little bit, why then would she believe such a story? She followed me to my so called job on a few Saturdays and found out what the Holy Spirit had been telling her in her spirit ,that something was not as it seemed. The story about the job was pretty unbelievable also.

Not long later my wife confronted me with my lies we were divorced. I told my wife for all our 24 years and since that I loved her. Look at the above scripture and put it into the story of my life. Where is the Patience? Only from Mary to me, Where is the kindness? Only from my wife to me. Where is the Boastfulness or the pride? Only from me to her. What was I showing to my wife and children? Selfishness, dishonesty, to do whatever you have to to get what you want. Divorce, how could my wife do anything else? What kind of a marriage did we have where she could not believe a word I told her, but only wonder what really was up? She showed me nothing but Love for 24 years, what had I showed her, besides dishonesty, lies, manipulation, greed, and selfishness?

Do you see why I waited until after Valentines day to tell this one? This is NOT a story of a love of a man for his wife. This is a story of a woman who, instead of quitting on a marriage even though her husband was a horrible person using her all the time she showed nothing but love and patience,(a kind of Love, according to the above scripture.) There is more to my story, these are only the low lights. I have struggled with Porn addiction for most of my life, and the internet has done nothing more then make this problem so much worse. Not long after Mary and I divorced I used her name and information to acquire some credit cards on line and went on a spending spree. She found out, and fought the charges and they never have found me out, I guess. I have never heard a word from anyone regarding this. More, selfishness, more deceit, more lies. I am an awful person in my self, but God loves even me. He loved Judas even after what he did, NO ONE is beyond His love. No act is over the line and can never be forgiven.

I do not want to leave at this stage, I want you to know what God has been doing for me lately. Mary and I have been divorced for about 5 years or so, and in those 5 years I have done MUCH soul searching. You know what I have found? That REGARDLESS of my past mistakes, regardless of how I treated my family, friends, co workers, .......Regardless of the fact that I stole from God's house, I stole From God himself, regardless of the fact that I used my wife, manipulated her everyday, God forgives me. Why? Because I asked Him to. How? I have NO idea. When? almost everyday, although all it takes is once, regret raises it's ugly head almost every day, and I feel the shame, the guilt, the turmoil all over again, and I ask the Lord to forgive me again. And He does.

This Valentines Day, yesterday:) You can have a love like this. One that doesn't care what you did yesterday, one that is based just on what you do right now. Jesus is waiting to forgive you, regardless of what you have done. I can say that with all truth, because look what I did, and yet He forgave and forgives me. Just talk to Him like you would talk to anyone, go ahead ask Him to forgive you of whatever, and to come into your heart and make you who He wants you to be. That's it, Just Ask, AND HE WILL>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I am in awe of my church, that I feel comfortable enough to attend there, even after what I did. BUT I am more in awe of God, that He will still sit with me, talk with me, put His hands around me and accept me as His own, even after what I did to Him. Thank you Lord.

This was very hard for me, but I know beyond any doubt, someone reading this needed to hear it. I felt God telling me to share my complete and honest story, everything everything hold nothing back. Transparent. Now you see right through me, but you can only hopefully see Jesus.

I hope you still love me, after all I have done. This is the first time I have been this completely honest, EVER. I have shared some of these things with certain people, but never all of them to everyone. I want to be an open book. Now you know.

I want to dedicate this my lives story, to my nephew Shawn, who just recently shared his honest transparent story on line for all the wold to see. Shawn you gave me the courage to do the same. Thank you for listening to Him, regardless.

If you would like to read a young man's struggle with sexual addiction, go to " www.breakingthehush.webs.com" and read my nephew's Shawn's story. If you can read it and not praise the Lord, you need help:) It takes courage and trust to be as open, honest and transparent as he has been. What Satan meant to destroy us, Jesus uses to help us reach others. Out of the ashes of our lives, comes something beautiful. Thank you for reading this, it is truth. It is what He asked of me to be, honest, so I have been. I struggle with honesty, it is harder for me to tell the truth then to make up a lie. I have lied so long, it is second nature for me. Please pray for me to be free of this bondage.